


Randy Gets Cancelled

by guineaDogs, orphan_account



Category: South Park
Genre: Anal Sex, Consensual Sex, M/M, Meta, Parody, Plot Twists, Randy Week (South Park), Randy Week 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 13:57:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20743331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guineaDogs/pseuds/guineaDogs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: When the kindergartners cancel Randy on Twitter, he enlists PC Principal to help.Written for Randy Week 2019, day 5 - PC





	Randy Gets Cancelled

"Dad, you've been cancelled."

Randy, who had all but just returned from work, felt a sense of dread wash over him as he looked over at his son, who was slumped over on the couch, eyes glued to the phone. 

"What?"

"Yeah, there's a whole call-out post about you on Twitter."

Dear god. He had to get to the bathroom to see this for himself. That was the only place he could use the app, since it was just that shitty. Toeing off his work shoes, he bounded upstairs. 

"Rand—"

"Not now Sharon, this is life or death!"

Locking himself in the confines of the master bathroom, he leaned against the counter and opened the app with a sense of urgency. He couldn't help but feel a sense of trepidation as he tabbed over to his mentions. 

**kindergarten suxx** @firk_u: _ twitter user @realRANDY is cancelled (thread) _

** _kindergarten suxx_ ** _ @firk_u: cw for this thread: p*dophilia, grooming, nsfw _

** _kindergarten suxx_ ** _ @firk_u: r*ndy is extremely problematic and anyone who is familiar with him won't be surprised by that. he is very toxic and minors should absolutely not interact with him at all _

** _kindergarten suxx_ ** _ @firk_u: this is a guy who has gotten involved with minor-specific interests with the intent to get close and groom minors. see this recently uncovered **[video](https://thumbs.gfycat.com/BogusSlipperyBarbet-size_restricted.gif)**_

** _kindergarten suxx_ ** _ @firk_u: in addition to getting involved in a MINORS-ONLY boy band, he has also appropriated MINORS-ONLY music _

** _kindergarten suxx_ ** _ @firk_u: he once showed his genitals to minors at a birthday party _

** _kindergarten suxx_ ** _ @firk_u: and most recently he was spotted herding children into a vehicle to do god knows what to them _

** _10_ ** _ retweets | _ ** _38_ ** _ likes _

** _u can’t_ ** _ @imfilmorecatchme: @firk_u omg how icky this makes me so uncomfy hhhhh _

** _u can’t_ ** _ @imfilmorecatchme: @firk_u I’ve been over to his house bc I hung out with Ike and Ike’s brother is friends with Stan and can confirm he’s sooo problematic _

** _cartmanbrah_ ** _ @cartmanbrah: @firk_u HAHAHAHAHA die mad about it retard. Randy is cool. _

** _kindergarten suxx_ ** _ @firk_u @cartmanbrah omg guess the circus got out early _🤡🤡🤡

** _sally_ ** _ @poniesandcrayons @cartmanbrah SILENCE PEDO _

** _u can’t_ ** _ @imfilmorecatchme wow look another problematic clown to block and report. Hello FBI _

** _bruh_ ** _ @canad_ike: @firk_u @poniesandcrayons @imfilmorecatchme @cartmanbrah lol randy is lame af but the last thing he was literally picking up my bro n his friends from bball practice. which yanno includes his own kid??? come the fuck on _

** _kindergarten suxx_ ** _ @firk_u: @canad_ike you're REALLY apologizing for a pEDO? cancelled bye _👋

** _kindergarten suxx_ ** _ @firk_u: list of people who are invalid: _

_ randy marsh _

_ randy marsh _

_ randy marsh _

_ randy marsh _

_ randy marsh _

_ ike broflovski _

_ eric cartman _

**quaid PLEASE SEE PINNED TWEET** @quaid: @firk_u _ omg you're so valid the world deserves to know about this monster _

_ Invalid? _ This was... confusing, to say the least, and Randy'd had enough of trying to decipher this. Quickly, he closed the app, adjusted his posture on the toilet, and brought up his contacts. He knew just who to call in a situation like this. His brothers would always have his back; it was in their oath.

PC Principal answered on the first ring. "Randy! Brah! What's up, brah?"

"Not much, brah, just droppin' a deuce." Randy didn't bother covering the receiver as he groaned to do just that. "Listen, I've got a problem. I got, ah, cancelled on twitter, I... guess?"

On the other end, PC paused. "You were sincerely apologetic for both the Jesse Jackson and the Indigenous People's Day incidents. While your actions at the time were reprehensible, the true PC thing to do is allow people to learn from their mistakes, and grow."

"Yeah, it's not that this time... Listen, brah, I don't think _ they're _ being very PC about this. They called me _ invalid. _ Like I'm disabled or somethin'. Isn't that an offensive term?"

Randy sat silently, enduring PC's _ hmmm. _ "They called you invalid? That really is ableist of them, but—" He paused. Randy felt himself getting the sweats, and he wasn't sure if it was more about the phone call or what he was doing on his end. "Can you give me a little more context here, brah?"

Randy sighed, leaning back against the tank. "He said, and I quote: 'list of people who are invalid. Randy Marsh, Randy Marsh, Randy Marsh... you get the picture."

"Oh. _ Oh. _ That's in _ valid, _ brah. Don't worry. You're totally valid."

"Oh. Legit, brah." Randy paused to gas up real quick. "They think I'm... I don't even know, man. Something with minors? I was in a boy band a couple years ago, and they were mad I was picking my kids up from school?"

There was a silence on PC's end. "Randy, you stay right where you—uh. Stay in your house. I'm comin' over."

They said their goodbyes, and Randy finished up in the bathroom. Admittedly, he was a little crestfallen by the whole situation, but he was relieved that he had a friend in PC who was going to look out for him. He headed downstairs, immediately sitting on the couch.

"You're trending in Colorado," Stan commented. 

"God, Stan, do you want me to feel shitty?" Stan didn't answer, and the tension in the living room was palpable. "Ugh, just go to your room!"

"'Kay." Stan didn't lift his head from his phone as he headed up the stairs. Kid was probably going to have a hunchback by the time he was 25 with how he never looked up from that damn thing.

Randy slumped on the sofa. He should've grabbed a beer, but the need to sit for once overrode his need to drown his sorrows. Maybe PC would bring over something good to drink. Speaking of which....

He extracted his phone from the front pocket of his everyday button-down, ignoring the Twitter icon once he unlocked the screen, to text his fraternity brother. _ Just let yourself in, door's open. _

He waited for what felt like forever, until finally he heard the twist of the knob, and his front door open. PC was dressed down: Oakley's, a polo, docker shorts, and the look of concern rife across his face. 

"Bruh," he said, his voice cracking as he moved to the couch, draping a blanket across Randy's shoulders. "That was so un-dope of them. But it's time to self-care now, bruh. Forget about Twitter for a while."

"Bro." Randy gratefully accepted the soft blanket, burrowing into it. It felt like a friendly hug. "You know I'm not.... what the hell does 'grooming' mean?"

"Look, bruh, I know they're full of shit." PC reached to the floor, grabbing a bottle of organic, locally-brewed amber pumpkin ale for each of them, from the six-pack he'd carried in tow. "The tweet has like, ten retweets. All kindergarteners, maybe a couple first graders. I wouldn't worry yourself. According to my research, including participating in callouts of many celebrities myself, those statistics put you nowhere near being actively 'cancelled.'" PC illustrated the word with air quotes. "When this happens to a PC Delta brother, you best believe that we—"

Suddenly, Randy's house began to shake.

PC looked around, brows knit. Stan, who had once again appeared in the living room at some point, didn't even look up from his phone. Randy clenched onto the blanket more tightly as the picture frames on the wall rattled and fell to the floor. "An earthquake?" It didn't make sense; it'd been a long time since there had been any sort of seismic activity.

Suddenly, it felt like something was... changing. Like time and space was twisting them around in every which way, the force of gravity became stronger, denser. Randy sank into the couch, and it felt like it was going to swallow him whole.

But then... it didn't. The shaking stopped, that sinking feeling dissipated. Everything was back to normal, but not. It seemed like something was slightly different.

Glancing over at PC, there seemed to be a glow illuminating him, his plump parted lips glistened, and as he spoke, Randy felt completely enraptured. "I think we're in a fan fiction now, bruh.”

"Ah, yes.... a fanfiction," Randy said, slowly, suddenly unable to take his eyes off the polo-clad Adonis sitting aside him. "I'm somewhat of an expert in yaoi. I am very familiar with the." He swallowed, feeling all funny in his stomach. "The ins and outs of fanfiction. Stanley, I believe I told you to go to your room. Your new stepdad and me need some private time."

Stanley scoffed, and departed.

Randy knew that he and PC were married in this fanfiction, because, rather than the usual decor of the Marsh living room, it was covered in pictures of he and PC principal at the wedding, and at various vacation destinations. Some of the photos included Shelly and Stan, some did not. All Randy knew was that, in this universe, he loved this man deeply.

As he reached over, lacing his fingers with PC's, he heard the door upstairs slam. Randy couldn't help but sigh deeply. "I don't know what his deal is. What was the point in even naming him—" 

"After one of the greatest slang terms you know? Don't worry, honey, one day Stan will stan for you."

Randy could feel his heart swelling up with affection for the man beside him. Even if their love was fictional, right then, it felt so real.

"Bruh, listen up... Ever since we met at the beginning of this explicit-rated coffee shop, slow burn AU which features tags including 'light angst,' 'don't worry sharon will have a good life,' 'stan is BABEY,' and 'safe sex,' I have known that we are soulmates. Of course, I don't mean that in the traditional way, as our love is clearly not modeled after the 'soulmates AU' tag." PC held Randy's hands as he spoke.

Holding hands was the most profound, pure way to show affection for the man he loved, and Randy never wanted to let go. "I knew we were meant to be ever since I told you that I would shave my moustache for you."

PC nodded sagely. "It was truly an emotional moment. I remember chapter six quite well." He reached out to stroke Randy's stubble-covered cheek. "Do you remember when you left, in tears, for a few hours? That was our major conflict in this fanfiction, and it truly crushed me when you did that. However, I'm glad you returned, brah."

"I'm glad I returned, too. Call me a gay cowboy from Wyoming, baby, because I can't quit you." Randy tilted his cheek, relishing in the affection before pressing a gentle kiss to PC's cheek. Chaste, sweet. "By now, our readers are eagerly awaiting the emotional climax."

"You mean when I carry you upstairs for consensual, slow, anal sex?"

"Yes, if you'll have me."

PC whipped off his Oakleys, setting them on the coffee table, right next to an assortment of potted plants that Randy was for some reason really interested in taking care of in this particular fanfiction. This exposed his eyes, which were bluer and with longer eyelashes than Randy had remembered. And despite the fact that they were both well into their forties, PC Principal-Marsh's beard contained nary a grey, and the hair on his head was flowing and full.

Oh. That’s right. Randy suddenly remembered that they were aged down for this fic. People over forty were super gross. They were only in their early thirties, which was justifiable in that they were taking care of a teenager who was also babey. If they were under thirty, having to raise Stan would be super problematic.

"As much as I would like to commence in intercourse immediately, it's really important that we take the time to discuss safe sex practices. But, for the sake of posterity, we can do it in our bedroom."

Randy watched PC get to his feet and head upstairs, so naturally he followed suit. "I don't think that's necessary. We know how to fuck. I _ know _ we know—" He sighed, plopping down onto the California King which shouldn't have been able to fit into their bedroom but somehow did.

"It's not for us, but for our readers. There may be a minor reading this."

"This is an explicit fic for a franchise that is intended for an adult audience, so no minor should be reading—"

"I'm well aware of that, dear, but even if a minor ignores all the content warnings, we are still responsible for what they consume."

Randy let out a small _ ahaaa _ in affirmation, nodding. "You're correct.”  
  
“I am,” PC said as he stroked Randy’s hand with his thumb. “Despite the multiple content warnings and tags that state this work is not intended for an audience under eighteen, along with the fact that our franchise is for adults, fandom belongs to the children now.”  
  
“Yeah. Much like our son, they're babey." His voice was a bit more articulate, a bit less dumb and obnoxious than it normally was. That was all due to the fact that PC's magical dick cured him of his dependence on alcohol in this story.

"Exactly. They are not responsible enough to comprehend any sort of warning. That ability becomes innate only after the age of eighteen, but may vary from municipality to municipality." PC cleared his throat. "So, along with informed consent we will need both condoms and lube. Randy, are you aware of the best practices for condom use?"

"What? Yes, of course I'm aware of proper condom use, we use them every time we fuck even though we've been married for years." Randy leaned back on his elbows, observing his fanfic husband's chiseled abs as he shucked off his polo shirt, and threw it in the hamper. "Which we must do, because otherwise how would our readers know about safer sex?"

"Correct." PC diligently removed his sneakers, then his khaki shorts, and finally his boxer briefs. He was already sporting quite the erection. "Before we begin, I must ask: do you consent to anal intercourse with me?"

"Of course I do! I'm _ randy _ for you, babe." In truth, Randy was getting quite impatient. He understood the importance of safe sex practices, but he couldn't help but think that having to bear the brunt of this responsibility was strange considering that none of the readers were his children.

Stanley? Of course, he would have The Talk with Stanley. But this was just getting in the way of him getting laid.

"Good. I am going to tear the condom wrapper and roll the condom onto my erect penis now."

"Score," Randy said. "Should I take my pants off?"

"Would you like to take your pants off?" PC countered, making good on his word to sheath his erection with the condom he'd pulled out of their bedside table. "It would be difficult to engage in safe anal sex if you did not remove your pants. However, it's important to our readers to be informed about consent, every step of the way."

"Well, yeah." Randy's mouth watered as he observed PC lube up his dick.

"Then you should take your pants off," PC teased when he noticed just how distracted Randy suddenly was. 

Randy nodded, shimmying out of his pants as quickly as he could. Something occurred to him, just then. "Should we inform our readers that spontaneous encounters with anal sex aren't actually that common?"

"We should. Spontaneous encounters are generally handjobs and blowjobs, but as we are married, it should be noted that we both expressed interest in anal intercourse this evening, and we have both taken the necessary steps to ensure that we are prepared for it."

"Yeah, you're telling me. I spent like, an hour giving myself an en—"

_ "Bruh. _ You can't go into detail. You can only imply that kinda stuff. It'd be some weird kink fic that'd get the writers cancelled if you did otherwise." PC positioned himself on top of Randy, and gave him a wet kiss that went straight to Randy's schlong.

After they parted, PC's perpetually-half-open mouth slick with saliva, Randy moaned. "Yeah. You're totally right, bro."

"Note that we still call each other 'bro,' and 'bruh,' despite being adult men," PC observed as he pumped at Randy's dick.

"Ye-_ aaaaah, _ it's an allusion to our past as fraternity brothers, and has become a term of endearment between us in this fanfiction."

"It doesn't matter that after being married for so long, and knowing each other even longer, we actually have terms of endearment we prefer." PC slicked his fingers down with lube. "I'm going to finger you now, and while there is a lot of discourse surrounding whether it's necessary, I know that it is something you enjoy, and we are sex positive in this household."

"Mm, yeah we are," Randy said, completely overwhelmed by the dual attention he was now getting from both of PC's hands.

This went on for the appropriate amount of time it took for the readers to understand that Randy’s butthole was stretched wider than the Grand Canyon. There was sufficient detail given to the feeling of PC’s one, then two, then three fingers stretching out Randy’s hole—which was, naturally, shaven, as hairy men were problematic and gross for some reason—and the feeling of the lube dripping down his crack onto his balls, as well as the moans both men emitted during this entire process.

“Do you consent to penile penetration at this time?” panted PC.

"I do," Randy said, as if he were giving his vows. There was no pastor, no priest standing before them in their bedroom though, despite what some readers may think. Behind the privacy of their door, they were free to do what they wanted as long as informed consent was involved.

"Shaka brah," PC said, as if this had any meaning and wasn't random dialogue inserted at that exact moment for the sake of it. "I am going to enter you now."

"Aaaaah, okay," Randy groaned, "I consent to that."

"Does it not seem—_ ohhhh, yeah _ ," PC moaned, loud and unrestrained, as he entered his fanfiction husband's butthole, "Redundant that we're continually consenting to each sex act? We have been married for quite some... _ fuck, _ you're tight."

"Despite the ample prep," Randy added, clutching at his husband's hips. "Anyway, you said it yourself. Our readers must know the importance of consent."

"It's true—" PC grunted. "Our enjoyment of this, the way you and I both feel in this moment—none of it matters. Just the fact that we are using safe sex practices." 

Randy tilted his head back with a loud groan. "We might as well be a manual at this point.”

PC silenced him with a kiss. His beard tickled against Randy's shaven face. As their tongues battled for dominance (which wasn't how Randy would ever describe a kiss, but this _ was _ a fanfiction, after all), PC snapped his hips, pistoning his cock in and out of Randy's hole.

It really felt quite nice. Randy supposed if he were going to get trapped in a fanfiction with anyone, PC Principal wasn't the worst person for that scenario.

"Oh, geez PC," Randy moaned, lost in the moment of getting closer and closer to ejaculating. Before he could reach that point, however, he was startled by the bedroom door being kicked open.

"Stop what you're doing and put your hands up! This is the Fanfiction FBI!" Not to be confused with the real FBI, who would not waste their valuable resources investigating a fanfiction that involves consenting adults.

PC and Randy scrambled away. PC, always cool under pressure, cleared his throat, taking a moment to cover their waists with a blanket before putting his hands up high. "What seems to be the problem, agents?"

"You were having _ sexual intercourse _ with a minor presently in the household. That! Is! Pedophilia!"

Randy was shocked, gobsmacked, and horrified. "Stan? _ Staaaaan? _" 

Stanley appeared in the doorway at that point, shaking his head. He was the one who had contacted the authorities. "I've tried to tell you, Dad, but you never listen..." He said, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "I'll never stan for you, dad. I can't."

_ "Staaaaaan!" _ Randy cried out, but it was too late. The Fanfiction FBI, which consisted of that weird little goth kid that Stan sometimes hung out with in real life, a few other kindergarteners, and those weird PC Babies swarmed upon him. But not before clothing magically appeared on Randy's body, as it would've been _ beyond _ problematic for him to be arrested by the underage force of the Fanfiction FBI in the nude.

"You're comin' with us, Marsh," said a pint-sized youth wearing overalls with little trains printed all over them. "You're under awwest."

"No! _ Nooooooo! _ " Randy cried, shaking violently as the kindergarteners and babies attempted _ awwest. _ There was a whirring about him, and the fabric of reality twisted and warped until he found himself screaming, tangled in his blankets in a sweat.

"Randy!" There was an insistent shaking on his shoulder. "Randy, what's wrong?"

"Sh-Sharon? Sharon, is that you?" Randy opened his eyes to the dark of their bedroom.

"What? Yes, of course it's me!" Sharon sounded irritated. "You were screaming in your sleep."

_ A dream. It was all a dream. _ "So I didn't get cancelled?"

"I don't even know what that _ means. _"

Sharon never kept up with the lingo of the young kids, but that was fine. Only one thing was running through his head: _ safe at last, safe at last. _

There was only one question on Randy's mind as he drifted off to sleep, snuggled next to his wife....

Why did his ass hurt?


End file.
